Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

Had my arms full of groceries, struggled to get my front door unlocked, & the door caught the back of my shoe & pulled it right off. I stumbled & dropped my groceries. Shoe stayed stuck outside my door. Worst remake of Cinderella ever.

Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…

Pretending not to see the judgemental looks of other shoppers in the meat department as I continue to make all the hams kiss.

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

[1st day working at appliance store]

CUSTOMER: How do I turn this dishwasher on?

ME: *leans in close and whispers* Foreplay

First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.

Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???

*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*

If you want to romance me, take me to a nice restaurant with good climate control, but not too fancy. I want to wear my jeans and sneakers. Ok just take me to McDonald’s. It’s my second home.

As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.

My younger co-workers were all watching a reel about flowbee and debating whether it was real or not so to be a part of the cool crowd convo I was like “I remember those!” and anyway that is not how you do that in case anyone was wondering.

Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.

On your first day in jail, when they ask you what you’re in there for, say “the food” so all the other prisoners know you’re a loose cannon.

There should be a second ashes they play at night when all the players have had a few

DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.

I’ve got bad news. I went out to your apiary and someone had stolen all your apes. There were a lot of bees hanging around. You might see if they know who did it.

Me: *petting my cat*

My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.

Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]

[Later]

Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

If pedicures were called toe jobs, men would get them, too.

Good news: multiple library patrons have said they love my Halloween costume. Bad news: I wasn’t aware I was wearing a costume.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.

Whenever I want my son to visit I tell him our dog keeps going in his old bedroom trying to find him.

My 4yo came home carrying a bunch of rocks. I was like “where are those rocks from?” And he goes “Pangea” which I guess isn’t wrong but I would like him to be more specific.

I Knew Better, But I Did It Anyway: A Memoir