How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
You Might Also Like
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
My bank called me: “sir did you go to dominos at midnight three days in a row in Florida?”
Me:….yah
Bank:*long pause* “alright then”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
So my wife discovered I keep writing “please help me” in the memo line of all my personal checks and now I’m not allowed to have checks.
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Why stop at weighted blankets? Put a boulder on me.
ME: Please don’t make me do this.
WIFE: We have no choice, we’re behind on the mortgage.
ME: Hey, Kevin, can we borrow $2000?
MY 11-YEAR OLD SON WHO MAKES $40k A MONTH PLAYING DOTA 2: Who’s Kevin?
ME: (sigh) Hey, DongKnocker420Yeeeeet, can we borrow $2000?
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
I lied. There was no crime. I just wanted to see how long it would take the police sketch artist to realize I was describing Patrick Swayze.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I’m not totally useless, I can be used as a bad example.
Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
HER: where were u last nite
ME: *turns on airplane mode*
HER: did u just say *turns on airplane mode*???
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.