Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck

– The inventor of the scarf

manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy

celebrities name their kids things like Moon Unit, Lyra Antarctica, and North but call their dog Dave

Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?

Son: The end.

Joke’s on you home invader. I don’t have fancy jewelry, and I already ate all the Little Debbie snack cakes.

Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.

noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?

noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room

I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now

~ toddlers

I’m beginning to think the dark circles that appeared under my eyes in 2008 may not go away.

There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.

[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years

*Librarian walks in* You know what’s great kids? You don’t need wifi to read a book!

*Kids boo*
*Someone in the crowd yells “NERD”*

Spices were first brought to Western Europe in the Middle Ages. Some of them are still at the back of my cupboard

Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?

What am I doing with the rest of my life?

I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…

“Grapey.”

-me after every wine at the wine-tasting

My work here is don’t.

I figure soon we will be grounding our children by sending them outside to play

Spent the entire day trying to improve the phrase “if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it”.

Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.

Friends are like bananas.

If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.

I’m not saying I was a gullible child but my sister once gave me a pair of scissors and said our grandma needed me to trim the carpet in her bedroom.

Programmed Siri to respond to any request with “That’s what she said.”

As an exorcist, whenever I hear of some new poor soul possessed by a demon, all I can think is Ka-Ching!

Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.

This summer, camp counselors all over the country will shine flashlights under their chins and read the headlines.

Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.

Me: we should name our firstborn son Blake
Her: but he’s been named Jeff for 24 years now

muhammad ali: float like a butterfly

jellyfish: done

muhammad ali: sting like a bee

jellyfish: i am nailing this

*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*