Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People who have drive and determination impress me. Yesterday one of my kitchen drawers got stuck and I was like, guess I’m never using a fork again.

So nice of the Oscars to give this tribute to Selma then not nominate it for anything

Son?

“Yes dad?”

If they ever put me on my death bed… I want you to…

“Yes?”

Tell those idiots to put me on a life bed instead wtf

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered

The only life secret I’m not telling my children when they move out is the address to my new home

My dog just looked at me and sighed. He has to stop hanging out with my wife.

Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here

What do you call 100 sheep rolling down a hill

A lambslide

Coworker: I ran 5 miles at the gym this morning

Me: Why

Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]

scientist 1: well?

scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything

s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please

I’ve never played Jenga, but I have had to extricate myself from a sleeping toddler in my bed, so I think I could handle it.

My seven year old reported to me today that the tooth fairy wasn’t paying him a fair wage compared to his peers and claimed that all his friends earn a liveable wage from tooth loss

my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion

Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.

My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.

You probably get this a lot but…

*punches you in the face*

we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy

Me: BEAN!!! Come here!

9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public

Me: Beanie Baby?

D: Mom. No.

Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-

D: MOM!!!

Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.

[assigning roles]

god: the sun shall fuel all life on earth

sun: sounds good

god: and the moon shall make tiny waves and werewolves

moon: hell yes

The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

If you see my account doing wild or out-of-character things, no worries. It’s not me, I routinely rent it out as an Airbnb

interviewer: what are your strengths

me: when i was little i drew a picture of a beer so good my mom put it in the refrigerator and an hour later she tried to drink it

interviewer: what about weaknesses

me: my mom’s a mess

David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.