How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
I’m goth enough to know that when your basement door opens for no apparent reason, you walk down those steps.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
Gemini: Sometimes you are your own worst enemy. Not today though. Today it is Jeff.
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
For Sale: Washing machine. Active Wear cycle never used.
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
I would bring my dog a nice jerky treat from Colorado, but he only eats local, sustainable cat turds.
Nothing fills an awkward silence like a 10 minute kazoo solo.
I hate it when I change my profile status to single and the wife changes it back to married
oh, my cursed amulet is making me possessive and greedy? of course you’d say that. you want my amulet all for yourself.
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
You can learn a lot about what went on at my house over the weekend by following the wine splatter pattern.
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
please hire me for anything except the job i do now. qualifications include but not limited to:
•can walk up and down stairs
•can easily identify when someone is talking
•knows all US states except one
•once ate a blueberry muffin like an apple
•can smell most numbers
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
*A burlap bag is pulled off your head, a bright spotlight is causing you to blink*
WHERE DOES THE ARCHIVED MICROSOFT OUTLOOK EMAIL GO.
Which is it, brain?
Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything
I just turned on my car’s seat warmer to keep my Chipotle order warm in case you wondered how seriously I take Taco Tuesday.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
My dog is so strong, she pulled me over the other day. I didn’t even know she was a cop.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline