How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
When people start their sentence with the word ‘Listen’ I think maybe they don’t understand how conversations work.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
Me when my alarm goes off
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Hormones: hey what’s up?
Me: just reading a book.
Hormones: LET’S GET ANGRY.
Me: wait no—
Hormones: AND CRY.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
I’m gonna hug you in the face with this brick.
My dad installed a dash cam in my car at some point when I was home for thanksgiving and I found out when I turned my car on to go to target and a very clearly Chinese lady’s voice said “start recording” out of nowhere
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. We’re being chased by bears. Life is a nightmare.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious