How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
looks legit
My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
“Its odd how the Church just lets
pedophile’s grant forgiveness”Anyway…thats why I’m not allowed
in Confession anymore.
I’m giving up for Lent.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
3 things you never get back :
A word after it’s said
Time after it’s passed
Your pen if I really like it
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
Never mistake my kindness for weakness. Never mistake my silence for approval. And never, ever, mistake my appetizer for a sharing platter.
Cop: GET DOWN ON THE GROUND
Me: I didn’t do…
Cop:*cuffing me* Dispatch, we have a creepy clown in custody
Me: These are my regular clothes
I stopped a man on the street to give me directions and he politely asked ”you want to go somewhere?”. I have to admit I hesitated for a bit
Spent two weeks with my grandmother and now I know why grandpa was a drunk
Humans™
they start off corded but convert to wireless easily
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
I said something about the 1918 influenza and my friend’s like “that’s how Edward Cullen died”
Waking up late is a great way to see which steps of your personal hygiene routine are really unnecessary.
Please define the logic when someone says you’re too much?
Too much what?
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*