How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
You Might Also Like
*watching a cop walk past during drug deal*
ok relax, just be cool.. “bonjour mademoiselle how much of le methamphetamine dost thou fancy”
Me: I’m so into escape rooms I do one every day!
HR: you need to stop referring to our workplace as an escape room.
I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.
ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
“I hate being single,” she lied, lounging in her king-sized bed all to herself
5-year-old asked if Santa can see her when she’s naked. I said no of course not because obviously I want her to feel safe and secure, but now I’m getting the sense that she was looking for a loophole and will be nakedly breaking rules in the near future.
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
In 1752, Benjamin Franklin invented electricity because it was no longer considered humane to execute people using an acoustic chair.
mentally somewhere in italy
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
[JOB INTERVIEW]
{Don’t let them know you’re a tectonic plate}
“What would you say is your biggest fault?”
San Andreas?
Bring an urn speed dating.
Whenever a prospective match asks a question, whisper to urn, “I don’t know, Mom: should I tell him?”
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Nothing says rock bottom quite like having your head in the oven for 45 minutes before you realize you forgot to pay the gas bill
Walnut: I look like a brain.
Broccoli: I look like a tree.
Mushroom: I look like an umbrella.
Banana: …. How about that stock market!
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
If you think about it, technically corn dogs are just Beef Wellington in a different tax bracket.
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”