how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Him: Are you ready?
Me: *didn’t even know we were going anywhere* Um yeah almost.
The good news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
The bad news is I’m pretty much who I say I am.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Something in my kitchen is beeping quietly 3 times every minute. I can’t find it and it’s driving me crazy. My husband wouldn’t even hear it with his hearing aids in. I’ve never been more jealous of hearing loss.
If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Me: He said he likes mac-n-cheese better the way his mom makes it.
Female judge: Case dismissed!
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Sweet. Free refrigerators!
I heard you should get a dog that likes to do the things you like to do, so which dogs like eating nachos?
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
How have I survived a year stuck at home with three kids? Badly. Thanks for asking.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
“YOU HAVEN’T GOTTEN OFF THAT COUCH ALL DAY!!!”
-my wife yelled, failing to even ACKNOWLEDGE my three trips to the bathroom this morning
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Just been down the cafe. Good to see Margo’s letting bygones be bygones.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Co-worker: Do you know why there is water on the floor?
Me: Yes, but I don’t have time right now to explain fluid dynamics and stagnation points.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.