how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
My husband and I were talking about how you have to list hobbies and talents on job applications so I asked him if there’s anything he thinks I’m really good at and he said “you’re really good at knowing when people on tv are Canadian”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
God has left this place
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I often fantasize about lying naked in bed, surrounded by various bags of chips and I have octopus arms so I can eat all the chips at once.
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
Google Search:
-is my toaster broken
-can fire ants make toast
-bathtub fire, small
-house fire, how to stop
-is house fire toast a thing?
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
can’t argue with a guy that has curly hair 🤦♂️ whatever u say gorgeous
Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Me (to 7): Son, we…
Wife (in earpiece): have to talk
M: Have to talk
W: about girls
M: About grills
W: NO
M: NO
W: IDIOT
M: IDIOT
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Hubs, “What are we doing tonight?”
Me, “As long as I’m with you I’m happy.”~Watches him watch ESPN on his phone~
Me, “I want a divorce.”
#Homeschooling Day 5:
Hung out in the teacher’s lounge until lunch. Snacks were awesome.
Now singing karaoke on the school announcement system.
We got this.
Her: I’ve never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we’re not counting your voice?
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My sunscreen says its SPF 100. I opened the tube and squeezed out a blanket.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
interviewer: how’s your handwriting?
me: oh not bad
interviewer: what about the other letters?