how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
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Call me a traditionalist, but I prefer my cranberry in its natural state, in the shape a of a can of dog food.
DENTIST: let’s get started, shall we? *places drill on tray*
ME: um
D: *places giant needle on tray*
ME: uhhhhh
D: *places handgun on tray*
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
*reading a bedtime story to kids in the 1800s*
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet eating her curds & whey when all of a sudden robert ford shot jesse james in the back as he was hanging a picture, suddenly making interior decorating one of the most dangerous jobs in america
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
If I know one thing for sure it’s that nobody has ever looked back on their life and wished they’d eaten more celery.
Resteraunts call themselves gastropubs and eateries so they don’t have to spell restarunt.
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
I just got an email about a ‘remarkable women contest’ and my head got a little big before the next line hit me with, “Do you know any”
My inexpensive home security system…
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
I threw a dart at a map to pick a vacation spot and shattered the hell out of my phone screen.
making sure he doesnt get away
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Amazon just got FAA approved for drone deliveries in Texas.
So now we have skeet shooting with miscellaneous prizes.
Me: Your cat looks pregnant
Friend: Impossible it’s an indoor cat
Me: What have you done
starting a garage orchestra
Still far too much of my kitchen cupboard space is taken up by ingredients that I needed 5g of for a recipe that I made once 9 years ago, which tasted awful.
“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
[In the car]
4 year-old: What’s this song called?
Me: “Don’t Speak.”
[10 minutes of silence later]
Me: You alright buddy?
4: Yeah you said don’t speak.
Guys, I did it. I found the Holy Grail of parenting.
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
German chocolate cake is just regular cake that doesn’t talk about the 40’s
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
“My name will live forever!” – Anonymous.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”