How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
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Terminator: I’LL BE BACK
Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha
Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
Got a pedicure with my wife and those spas have everything they need to dispose of a dead body
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
Guys these days will never know the anxiety of calling a girl’s home number and having to ask her dad if she’s home.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
ME: *gets down on one knee*
HER: omg
ME: *gets down on both knees* whoa these muscle relaxers are awesome
Another day another dollar.
~ World’s slowest counterfeiter
Two Ways Sharks Can Die:
1. if they stop swimming
2. if they accidentally eat a grenade
if you happen to be a shark, pls keep swimming and try to not eat any grenades. thank you
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
This morning my daughter lost her watch, mask, homework book, hairbrush and my will to live
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed
If I wanted to insult a humpback whale I’d call it a ‘quasimofo’ then I would high five myself and probably drown idk I haven’t thought this through.
Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn’t have any pictures of me either.
“Remember six seconds ago when you were comfortable?”
– oscillating fans
I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.