Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching

I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”

I think long & hard before using innuendo.

Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves

The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.

*finds baby on doorstep*

Me: Should…should we keep it?

Wife: …Let’s sleep on it

Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him

Even though Janice had always wanted an extravagant wedding, she couldn’t help but feel putting toilet paper on the bridal registry was a bit over the top.

I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.

Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way

Religion has been soaked in blood like the Parle-G biscuit that breaks off and settles at the bottom of your cup.

[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops

Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol

I know the English colonized the world and all, but it’s hard to take them seriously when they create recipes like “bubble and squeak” and “toad in the hole.”

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

Was listening to Linkin Park and a student said “I didn’t know you liked oldies!”

I don’t understand why my coworkers always complain when I microwave my favorite meal: curry salmon stuffed with burnt popcorn.

The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.

If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,

I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game

SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?

SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot

SLEEPY: I sleep a lot

GRUMPY: my wife left me

Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be

*holds flashlight up to face*

When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.

*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*

Yesterday my son told me I was the funniest person he knows which was so sweet. Then he asked for twenty dollars.

I want to open a shelter for neglected and forgotten passwords.

Welcome to adulthood.

Your keys will be in the pocket closest to the hand holding the most grocery bags.

Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.

If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.

Listening to a global economy futurist. Pretty sure in 20 years Chinese parents will say “Clean your plate, people in the US are starving.”

Frantically deleting all my negative tweets about The Hamburglar after I get a job at McDonald’s

Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?

The hardest part of potty training my puppy is shitting outside with him so he can learn how to