How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
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stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]
*sawing person in half*
Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
me: turns out a butterfly net can catch anything if it’s the right size
wife: is that danny devito
What do those “brighten my day with the 7th picture on your phone” people want from us
opening a flower shop called women in stem
My neck, my back, my…
If my teenagers see this tweet, since no one is answering my texts….mommy’s flight is on time and the house better be clean when I get home.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
[interrupts gf talking about her dream wedding]
lol a horse drawn carriage?
“what’s funny about that?”
a horse can’t hold a pencil karen
My neighbor totally has heads in his freezer.
– My neighbor
tried to lock my phone and ended up taking a screenshot to commemorate my failure
gas pump: see attendant
me: looks like i no longer need gas
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT
If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
Hey guurl.
“Hey there.”Feeling lonely tonight?
“I have a boyfriend.”Why are you talking to me then?
“You haven’t taken my order yet.”
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
Wife: I want to see some snow.
Me: You might get to see 3 to 4 inches tonight.
Wife: I’d rather see snow.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”