Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Seals are just dog mermaids.

Whenever I’m in a waiting room full of miserable looking people, I really regret not bringing my ukulele.

I think we can all agree if the ancient Egyptians had twitter there would be no pyramids.

[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!

We have a house full of chairs and couches, yet my 3-year-old chose to sit on a grocery bag full of bread.

You can’t explain children. You just survive them.

jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet

I like soap operas because you never have to wonder who the villain is, they are the one wearing an eye patch. No gentlemen pirates on a soap opera

Sometimes you just need to dance naked in the kitchen. The manager at this Burger King seems to feel differently though.

All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.

You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I logged back into Facebook for 5 minutes and now I have 3 scheduled fist fights, and my family disowned me.

But hey, Karen got a puppy!

me: I’d like some ham please

server: ok how much

me: I really really want it

holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV

I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though

i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”

No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.

My perfect date would be a hike in the mountains, and her telling me all about it when she gets back.

“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda

She had silky hair and legs that went on for days. I was in bed with a horse.

*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*

Mercury in retrograde again I see

Saw a unicorn using a phone booth and all I can think is, who is she calling?

Parenting:

1st kid: Document their every move

2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time

I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.

9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.

Me: Make me look good.

9: FINE. I’ll write something else.

Cashier: Big weekend plans?

Me: *putting pile of microwaveable meals for one on counter* You know it.

Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them