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Noses are red, violets are blue. It ain’t love
darling, you got flu.
If you’re alone on Thanksgiving, venmo me $25 and I’ll call and ask you when are you gonna get a “real” job and give me grandchildren.
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.
If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.
If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.
This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts
marriage is so goth. it’s like “I’m in this until DEATH” jfc dude settle down
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
Got escorted out of a Chili’s happy hour for what the police are calling a “Weaponized Ponytail”
As a self-made millionaire and father of 16, I am begging all of you to stop believing everything you read on social media
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
no
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
The main reason I lost my virginity was to ensure I wouldn’t be sacrificed anytime soon.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
[on the sixth question in two minutes]
4: what does “not” mean
me: I think you’re going to have to ask Alexa these questions.
4: but i’m trying to keep you busy.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck