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Teaching 19 to cook, clean, and do laundry so if he ever gets married his wife won’t divorce him and make him my responsibility again.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
15 wants his new GF over for dinner Sunday. I’m going to make spaghetti & watch them try to eat it gracefully. Free entertainment!
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
My daughter made a new best friend, Mike, at summer camp. My best friend’s name is also Mike. Last night I told my wife I was meeting Mike out for a beer and my daughter exclaimed, “MY FRIEND MIKE?!?” Yes, I’m having drinks with a preschooler, then we’re getting matching tattoos.
Happy Taco Tuesday
How tf did it end up there?
Him: Congrats on the new baby. Boy or girl?
Me: Girl.
H: And what did you name her?
M: Well we were both huge fans of Elvis Costello so we named her after his best-known song.
H: Oh! Alison? Or Veronica?
M: What? No. Her name is “Watching the Detectives.”
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
if you want to know how much i love freedom i don’t have an oven we just shoot our food with guns until it is warm enough to eat
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
My period is really late so I’m starting to think about baby names:
For a girl- Menopausalia
For a boy- HotFlash
morpheus: you can take the red pill, or the blue one
me: *slapping them onto the ground* winners don’t do drugs
I am HOWLING at this
agent: may i please have your account number
me: i’ve given it out three times and been transferred three times
agent: sorry about that
me: but shouldn’t it come through to you when you get a transfer
agent: ideally, yes
me:
agent: may i please have your account number
Look, when I invited you out for a drink I meant a milkshake with two straws, so don’t make it weird bro, I’m not gay
Me: What are you going to wear on the first day of school?
9-year-old: My coolest shirt.
Me: What about the second day?
9: My coolest shirt again.
I’m going to be doing a lot of laundry.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same