How does one answer this?
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Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
My favorite part of meal prepping all of my lunches for the week on Sunday is that then I have an easy way to eat all five of those lunches before noon on Monday.
Can Jesus turn off his walking on water power, or when he dives into a swimming pool would he just bounce across the surface like a skipping stone?
Today’s religious debate is brought to you by…
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Remember–the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your appearance, lack of talent, and general personality.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Me: Excuse me. I have a million presents to wrap and I need to buy some tape.
Store clerk: Scotch?
Me: Even better.
If you’ve already seen a bunch of poodles jumping rope in unison today, just keep scrolling. 🐩 🐩🐩🐩🐩🐩
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
Beast: I’ll be like this until someone loves me for who I am
Ugly girl: I’ll love you for who you are
Beast: not you, someone attractive. So I really learn my lesson
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
People that say, “If you already have a couple of kids, what’s a couple more?” have obviously never had four kids.
I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
What doesn’t kill you, forces me to reload.
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
COP: We have reports of u blasting music.
ME: Sorry I’ll keep the Metallica down
COP: We were told it was Britney Spears “Lucky.” On repeat.
has it occurred to thomas that he might be the problem
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will be complete
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
