How does one answer this?
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Music Royalty Succession Chart
Queen
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Prince
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Duke Ellington
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Steve Earle
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Lorde
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Lady Gaga
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Sir Mix-a-Lot
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Opening a package of cheese within 2 miles of my dog is the plot to A Quiet Place 2
A large group of other people’s children is called a “nope”
Welcome to middle age. No one tells you that rigor mortis starts while you’re still alive.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
If i was being attacked by a werewolf i would just turn on the vacuum to scare him off
What’s a more polite term to call a druggie?
His Highness
My tire pressure won’t make up it’s mind. Are we married?
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
the sun is so successful because it has the perfect bedtime and morning routines
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
One more missile failure and the Acme Corp. is going to lose that North Korea contract.
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.
If Trump wins I’m moving to my last Sim City 2000 save file.
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”