How does one answer this?
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I’m Sold!
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
*Plot Twist*
Your dog loses his mind with excitement when you leave for work instead of when you get home.
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I go by many names but I’m usually referred to as Plan B.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Friend: I’m gonna’ drop by.
Me: Sorry, my house is in the shop right now.
[at bar]
Him: Why’s a pretty girl like you sitting all alone?
Me: I peed my pants.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
I was so happy my mail order bride arrived today.
My Wife wasn’t.
She did say I can use the crate as a doghouse.
Odd, we don’t own a dog.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
Found a subreddit where they just post photos of TVs that are too high on the wall
*1st day in hell*
Devil: So you just sit in this room and people give you gifts
Me: Oh nice
Devil: And you have to react to each one
Me: NO
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
*men apologize for their weakness*
*women apologize for their strength*
*aliens probe neither*
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Perfect
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.