Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”

I’m not saying you can solve everything with cake but I’m also saying you shouldn’t at least try to solve everything with cake.

Do I love my coworkers? No.

But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?

Also no…

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

4 AM

BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there

[boxing match]

TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’

CHAMP: I’m not too good at math

TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right

CHAMP: Or politics

Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.

Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.

2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.

maybe ancient civilizations wouldn’t have died out if they’d built regular buildings instead of these dumb ruins

Most Common Source of Electricity

Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.

Him: I said cologne.

Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.

Said the murderer.

me: I challenge you to a fish fight

them: you mean fist fight?

Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.

My dating profile:

Now that he’s back, Trump’s tweeting again which begs the question, does the Pres of the United States not have an international data plan?

Just spent 5 minutes waving my hands in front of a manual paper towel dispenser if anyone needs someone to take their SAT exam for them.

Good Cop: If you confess now, you’ll probably just get probation.
Fad Cop: Hey Macarena!

Gonna need a little more blood sugar before I stand on a 6 foot ladder and have both hands involved in wiring.

Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-

Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*

GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy

My husband had an affair in my dream, but I still love him. And if I ever talk to him again, I’ll tell him.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

Note to self: placing a cup to capture the coffee coming out of the coffee maker makes for a better start to the morning..

And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself

Never again would she do what Simon said

DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?