Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?

Guy on airplane: What’s your drink of choice?

Me: Vodka

Guy: That’s classy

Me: Not in the amounts I drink

I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism

You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:

“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”

[TI and his daughter at OBGYN]

doctor, to TI’s daughter: u have a UTI

TI’s daughter: a what

doctor: UTI

TI: no I’m TI

If you give a man a PS4, he will play for a day.
If that man buys the PS4 he will not shower for 2 months.

Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”

A lady in a BMW pulled up to me on my bike to ask if it was hot out, and now my goal is to be so rich I can’t feel weather.

My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.

Me: You know what I don’t get?

Friend: Laid.

Me:

Friend:

Me: You know what else I don’t get?

Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves

Your leftovers looking at you from the back of the fridge as you order Postmates again

grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings

I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me

Older generations using outdated references is like younger generations using new slang. Both laugh at the other for not getting it.

Frankenstein?

You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?

Facebook: Here are some people you may know
Me: I don’t know them
Facebook: Ok I’ll ask you again next time
Me: No, I still won’t know them
Facebook: ok lol
Me: I’m serious
Facebook: Haha ok
Me: You gonna stop it?
Facebook: *winks* yes
Me: Did you just wink?
Facebook: *winks* no

He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower

I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.

I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.

Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake

Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?

God: peanuts

Elephant: what?

God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*

Elephant:

God: all of them

I hate when an old man tries to friend me on Facebook and then I realize we went to high school together

Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.

I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.

[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?

#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Things that are likely to kill me:

1. Eaten by shark
2. Hit by lightning
3. The words: Mom, I need help with my homework

Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.