How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
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If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
I only went to medical school to figure out where your arms are supposed to go when you sleep and they didn’t even teach us that… so now what
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
The Jaws theme stays on during sex.
omg i love that my Tinder date has floor drains in all the rooms of his deserted farmhouse
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
I dunno maybe go make out with a hot toaster
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
beauty fades, drunken texts at 2am are forever
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
2016: Trump elected
2018: Border wall completed
2020: Mexico takes Gold, Silver & Bronze in Pole Vault at the Summer Olympics
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
Doggy day care is like a regular day care except you have to enter from the rear.
C’mon Facebook, if I wanted her to know I’m thinking of her on her birthday I’d put the binoculars away, step out from this bush and just say ‘hi’ once she’s finished showering.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*
I wish I had a better metabolism
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
First date tip: Laugh at all his jokes, even bad ones. Men love it. Laugh louder. If he begs you to stop…laugh harder. This is good advice
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
How does a pod of dolphins make a decision?
Flipper coin.
#DolphinDay
Let’s give each other some bad writing advice!
Type “You’re not a real writer unless you” then let predictive text do it’s thing.
Mine:
“You’re not a real writer unless you are an expert in the middle east.”
Oddly specific.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: *backseat full of penguins* Um, I’m guessing the aquarium called?