Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?

More like Kate Missington.

mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul

wife: oh my god she’s possessed

me: you sure? I mean you know her better but

Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.

Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy

Angel: yes that’s why you’re here

[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]

If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.

Commissioner Gordon: It says here that bats sleep upside down and wee over themselves.

Batman: We also poop.

CG: We?

B: They. I mean they

A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.

People who bite popsicles, where are the bodies hidden?

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

me: woah real life russian dolls

midwife: get out

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

i took a british guy home and when i woke up all my artifacts were gone

me: how would you like the steak sir

sir: well done

me: thank you but how would you like the steak

We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.

Him: how about we finish dinner and you can show me your bedroom
Me: why wait? *pulls out cellphone and flips through photos of my room*

If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home

For those who are Struggling with English:

Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo not

Follow me for more advice…

Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came

Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready

I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.

16: I hate old people.

Me: That’s where you and I are different.

16: You like old people?!

Me: No, I hate everybody.

interviewer:
are there any accomplishments from your last job that you’re particularly proud of?

me:
i’m responsible for ten new rules in their employee handbook

interviewer:
that’s great! you wrote them?

me:
that’s not what i said

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?

HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*

ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.

Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?

Me: sure what time?

Them: 8:30

Me: *laughs in over 40*

oh you like road-trips? name every road then

KNOCK KNOCK!
Who’s there?
*Note appears through letterbox* “We tried to deliver your parcel…”

You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!

Canadian Oneupmanship

the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs