How does someone manage that 🤨
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“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
I’ll go to extreme lengths to get the last bit of toothpaste from the tube but I’ll also watch 2 hrs of Nick Jr if I can’t reach the remote.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Accordion to a recent survey, inserting musical instruments into sentences largely goes unnoticed.
My age is news to me every single time I remember
This morning the cat gently nudged my sleep mask off of my eyes at exactly 7:30 AM, an adorable – but ultimately unacceptable – development.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
brian had himself a morning…
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
Anyone on Twitter, to me: no way are you 46!
Me: Mate. They’re called filters. My real face looks like it slept on a bad pillow.
As he stealthily slid the paper with my balance on it, I nodded at my bank teller for protecting my 12.03$ from the 2 old women behind me.
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
I mistook a flash flood warning for a neighboring town as a “flash mob” announcement. So, when I showed up for it, I looked stupid.
And my shoes got wet.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
[throws a dart at map of the world]
One day, I’m gonna go over there & pull that dart out. The next time I wanna play darts, probably.
Did you know that the sound of fallen leaves scattering across the pavement in the wind sounds just like someone running up behind you in the dark?
Did you also know I can run 83 mph?
[Interview for the cucumber marketing board]
Me: Can we talk about salary?
Boss: Not if you want to keep your job
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap
I’m too immature for adultery.