Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.

“This is a masterpiece!”
“This, too is a masterpiece!”
“Another masterpiece!”

My dog, to every blade of grass in the same yard every morning while I’m late for work.

[in the insect dissection room]

Your fly is open.

whatcha thinkin bout

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

[zombie apocalypse]

GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.

ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.

GUY: What’s in the sewers?

ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.

I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once

I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load

If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.

Wife: Hey *waking me up* you got really drunk last night

Me: You can’t prove that

Taco Bell employee: No we can

Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.

Normal people: we want a sensible & intuitive home design

Modern architects: we moved the first floor to the second floor and made the stairs into an infinite loop.

Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.

I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”

Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

stop asking your partner if they would still love you if you were a worm and start asking them if they would still love you if you wore transition lens glasses

ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked

Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team

My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.

Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!

Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.

No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.

This store brand ice cream tastes like someone tried chocolate once, then spent years drunkenly trying to recreate it in a lab

Why did the toilet paper roll down the hill?
To get to the bottom!

I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.

Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.

People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations