Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I put the p in pants.

ME: I have very bad gas

BRITISH LADY [holding her nose]: omg what

ME: sorry I have very bad petrol

[first time hunting]

friend: I’m out of shells do you have any

me: *choking on pistachio* a few

*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks up

Nice.

The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.

One time I was teaching a guy how to use the stump grinder and he said no worries it’s just a machine they pretty much all run the same. And I was like wow that’s a great point I really admire that. And then he ran it through a shed

There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE

Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅

My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I’m 1 million percent sure this is Adele’s fault

THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?

ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*

“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”

Sooo many times…..

Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it’s possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?

reasons white people riot:

1. their sports team wins
2. their sports team loses
3. no more tickle me elmos
4. tea
5. pumpkins

It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.

Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day

Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”

*watching Hoarders

Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear

One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”

I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.

‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.

Stop me if you’ve heard this one

Daddy I’m full

Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night

(after cleaning up dinner)

Daddy I’m hungry

When I yell the wrong name in bed I blame autocorrect.