How does someone manage that 🤨
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Damn he played himself
I can find Waldo faster than I can find the bread bag twist tie I just set on the kitchen counter.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Last night, I was running from Justin Bieber-head polygamist in Utah-who demanded that I become his 4th wife.
I’m not taking any Benadryl tonight
So I didn’t stab the idiot who knocked over my entire coffee-
Does that sainthood thing start like right away or…
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
[at the shooting range]
Recruit: Sir, I missed every target.
Officer: Perfect.
*makes him a stormtrooper*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
contortionist: what’s wrong?
proctologist: your head’s in the way
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
count dracula: at last i’ve got you wolf man
wolf man: at last i’ve got you dracula
*dracula turns into a bat*
*wolf man turns into a wolf*
godzilla: weird flex, but ok
*eats them both*
Stop feeling sorry for yourself. Just think, there are people out there who don’t get to read my tweets.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
WISE MAN #1: I brought gold for the babe
WISE MAN #2: frankincense
WISE MAN #3: myrrh
ME: *pulls out Chili’s gift card* I hate you guys