How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
*gets tax refund* *calls zoo*
Hello, how much to rent an otter for the day? Please say less than $47. Hello?
I just saw a commercial that invited me to watch more of it on the internet! Bc That’s the problem w/commercials! They’re not long enough!
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
wish hard enough & anything can happen, they say.
yet two hours later my stomach growls & my breakfast still isn’t making itself. liars!
I used to do hundreds of press-ups a day when I was a lift attendant.
Do pretentious people know they’re pretentious? A question I would pose to the great Sigmund Freud, had he not died in London in 1939.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
How many feet away from a tragedy do you need to be before its ok to snack?
in case you were wondering how things are going these days for the generation that attended kindergarten exclusively via zoom…
our 6yo has started surreptitiously playing wordle on his school-issued chromebook while in class and skyping us his score
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
—How do you care for your mental health?
Me with my best frens:
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
I beg you to euthanise me
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
At what age should you put the tonsils back in
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!