How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
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There’s a seagull standing near the people waiting for the grocery store to open, and I kind of want to see where this goes.
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
Truth or dare?
-Truth.
Ok, go.
-I get sexually aroused by ALF.
Okaaaay…
-Your turn. Truth or dare?
Um…dare.
-Put on this ALF costume.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
I only wear my Rolex when I go to car dealerships to watch the salesmen fight over me
[In emergency room]
mom 1: my kid needed 12 stitches! how about yours?
dr. frankenstein: 75,000.
My wife agreed to a water birth, so I’m setting up a slip’n slide in the front yard right now. I’m gonna wait at the end & catch him.
sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
I could never work in an aquarium I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
Capri sun packages were designed to teach kids how to do emergency tracheotomies
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
my aunt: why u kids always on them phones cant u have a real conversation
me: *puts down phone* *crosses legs* why did u melt the ice caps
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
My favorite way of establishing dominance is to spend hours cleaning my entire room and then say “sorry it’s so messy” when people come in
[Santa installing fog lamps on the front of his sleigh]
Rudolph: what’s that Santa?
Santa: oh it’s nothing venison
Rudolph: what?
Santa: I meant son….nothing son
A man rejecting my advances can’t hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
If Windows Updates was a person, it would be that one neighbour who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
inappropriate Care Bears be like:
y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀