Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.

3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.

Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”

*Turns on laser*

*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*

Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go

This is my bus stop.

Based on how I startle when toast pops up, I will never look cool walking away from an explosion.

I dropped off some paperwork at coworker’s house last night. I guess he hadn’t mentioned I was coming & one of his kids asked me who I was. They were eating dinner so I said, “I’m the food police. I’m making sure everyone is eating their vegetables.” That broccoli was gone, man.

[blind date]

Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?

Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.

I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.

One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…

Sometimes, I feel like doing high five on their face

My neighbor’s kid said hi but I couldn’t think of his name and said “Hi son of John” like some biblical dude

WIFE: The police are at the front door

ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?

How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*

THIS IS A REAL BOOK R U SRS ???

Them: I’ll be your new psycho therapist since your last one passed away.

Me: I’m sorry, did you just say psychotherapist or psycho therapist?

Them: *covers scalpel with hand* the first one?

In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.

One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”

Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.

Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned

My kids:

Me: hey babe I got you something!

Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.

Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.

My friend bought a house and I’m happy for him but part of me keeps thinking he could’ve bought so many hot dogs with all that money.

HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

Does anyone know if it’s possible to buy the transcripts of audiobooks? Thanks

The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?