How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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I love how breadsticks are an appetizer for pizza; like, yes, I’ll have more bread with my bread, please.
Nothing shows more confidence in humanity that a mom with 4 kids in a drive through not checking the order before she pulls away
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
3 days ago my best friend texted me that his dog is sick and he paid a ton of money for surgery and the dog might survive.
I replied “I hope it does”, but autocorrect changed it to “I hope it dies” and I just noticed now.
I’ll be outside taking down the Christmas lights.
*unscrews green bulb from porch light*
Ok, I’m done.
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
“I’m good at getting you on the line but I can never reel you in. Just can’t actually land you. No one even knows if it’s possible, you’re like the Loch Ness monster. Legend has it that one idiot caught you once but you got away.”
Questionable as a compliment but I liked it.
Just watched a guy in a shirt that read “Jedi I am” trip on a curb and fall.
Jedi you are not sir
Once I heard a guy who climbed Everest say he did it, “Because it was there” and I just feel like the reason for undertaking one of the most strenuous feats in human existence should be different than the reason I ate an entire gallon of ice cream.
yes… yes…
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
Any big tech pitch these days: So you know how we all hate the things that make life worth living, right? Well,
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Halloween is the perfect time to trick people into believing you aren’t really going to use that ice pick you’re carrying around.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
NEW ROOMMATE: What’s mine is yours.
[30 seconds later]
NEW ROOMMATE: I need my wheelchair back.
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
Don’t you hate it when you buy organic veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts
it’s finally my moment to shine
