How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
You Might Also Like
I sure talk a lot of shit for someone who got a stress fracture opening a can of butter beans
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
Please don’t buy my book on reverse psychology.
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Sex scenes in movies are okay but the audience MUST BE WARNED. A red flashing light, words on the screen saying WARNING: SEX SCENE AHEAD and a loud ‘awooga! awooga!’ type siren would be a good start
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
car salesman: this is the car for you
me: but that’s a barrel about to go over Niagara falls
car salesman: take that baby for a spin
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Spanish film idea. A woman sees her son wrongly imprisoned and immediately sets out to have him released. It’s called Bye Juan, Get Juan Free.
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Baked and Naked are pronounced differently despite being Americans very favorite things.
Would you wear it?
Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.
waiter: do you have any questions about the menu
me: yes what’s the name of this font used for the meats
Any animal that has a face CAN SPEAK. They’re just being stubborn.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
A Fitbit is just a tamagotchi, but the creature you have to keep alive is yourself