When you kidnap a writer.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
poorly designed sticker of the day
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
If I ever start with ‘this one time I went jogging…..’
I am not telling the truth.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
[soldier dying in my arms]
“You take this & you give it to my wife.”
“No [pushes watch back to soldier] she lives really far away from me.”
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.