Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
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I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.
Me: I’m gonna take a shower
Spider in my bathtub: nope
We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident
On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.
GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.