@JeffMyspace

How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?

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@UnFitz

Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

@RealFartShady

I don’t think none of Christopher Nolan’s ex girlfriends know how the hell it ended.

@MizzusT

Me: I’m gonna take a shower

Spider in my bathtub: nope

@BunAndLeggings

We have 4 kids and people always ask if any of my kids were accidents. I can’t understand why people ask this… how does anyone have sex by accident

@Midgetspar

On a scale from 1 to 10 I tell people they’re an 11. It’s a fun way to let them know they don’t exist and they take it as a compliment.

@TheBigBatman

her: psssssssst
me: ?
her: psssssssssssssssssssssst
me: ???
her: psssssssssssssssssssssssssssst

GOD DAMN IT, MY BLOW UP DOLL HAS A PUNCTURE

@ArfMeasures

[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENING

Murderer: What?

Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps

Murderer: omg lemme check mine

@olerunkbitch

Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.

@trevso_electric

If you want to keep a secret from me, write it down and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.