Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese

Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.

I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality

Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste

I’m already scared

*mom puts a gummy vitamin in my mouth while I yawn*

Mom, I’m 36. *chews it up, swallows* Adults are supposed to have 2 though.

This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.

I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”

i asked my 4 yr old niece if she wanted a baby brother or sister and she replied she just wanted pizza rolls

Steven: I love you

Stephen: I lophe you too

your honor my client feels very bad he got caught

I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician

my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat

NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR

Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

[elevator]
“Wanna buy a spoon?”
Huh, no, why?
[elevator slowly fills with pudding]
[opens briefcase filled with spoons]
[sheepishly] Yes.

dvd? why are the Ds fighting??

Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.

Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”

God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly

A new study says vegetarians
die younger than smokers, on average, so don’t smoke your vegetables…

I asked for the phonebook, my girlfriend called me an antique and gave me her phone.

I don’t care, the spider’s dead.

nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black

Well this pretty much sums up 2020.

[commercial for kinder eggs]

are you tired of mean eggs

Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.

Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]

[zombies eating me]

Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?

Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard

can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)

I haven’t cried since 1997, when I saw the movie Armageddon and realised Ben Affleck was going to be a big movie star.