How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra

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My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog


[1st date]

WAITER: and how would you like your steak, miss?

HER: definitely not wooden *winks across table*

DRACULA: *just glares at her*


There is a trend of babies being named after characters in “Frozen”.

“That’s Stupid” says a 24 year old named Ariel.


There’s no law that says you can’t use a tiny pancake as an eyepatch.


Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.


i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down


For every hour that passes without payment, I will teach another hostage “Wonderwall” on acoustic guitar and release him back to you


[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]


“You can’t even handle 2 days locked inside AT HOME?! You’d never make it in prison!”

Well no shit. It’s one of many reasons I don’t commit crimes, ya dipshit.


7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like “hey dad, why don’t you remember our names”