How does the little mermaid decide which creatures are her friends and which ones are her bra
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I’m at my sexiest when I try to run in flip flops in the rain.
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
cake decorator: do you want an exclamation point after “happy birthday”?
me: no, my son wanted more of a somber motif for his sixth birthday
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
My hot flashes are so bad, I can defrost the freezer in the time it takes to choose a popsicle.
My astrological sign is KFC gravy
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
On an afternoon walk, a handsome stranger hands you a note. It says “By the time you read this, I will already be petting your dog.” You look down. It’s true.
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
man: I’d like to return the boomerang I bought here.
customer service: do you have the boomerang?
man: no, that’s the whole problem
I’ll usually order the chicken sandwich. I like my food to be more cowardly than I am.
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
Wife: Can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: Ok that’s low, Sharon
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
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Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side