WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
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[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
video games where you have to repair your gun or like change the oil in your motorcycle or whatever can take a damn hike. there’s plenty of tedium in my actual life–i wanna chainsaw a mutant in half, not fold virtual laundry.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I like a baked potato because the name is the instructions.
Husband, opening our kitchen drawer while asking, “Do we know where the scissors have disappeared?” Looks around and promptly closes the drawer.
Me, opening the same kitchen drawer without looking in, hands him the scissors.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Overheard: “I think that guy is listening to us.”
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don鈥檛 like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That鈥檚 a window. You鈥檙e staring at our gardner, Gary.
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we鈥檙e anywhere close to self-driving cars?
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
People say I’m not very responsible, when in fact I’m responsible for “pajama casual” being added to the employee handbook as inappropriate.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
If you need a smile today, here鈥檚 a wonderful outtake with Robin Williams and Elmo 馃槀鉂わ笍
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
So in 2016 I’ve decided to leave all the negative people behind. So im sorry if i owe you money because im moving on from that now.
I like to think I鈥檓 smart
Then I miss the chair I just moved into place and end up sitting on the ground
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I鈥檓 gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.