how does world hunger exist when we can fry air.
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
How did the date go?
-Not good.
Aww what went wrong?
-*thinks back to accidentally popping a zit into her soup* She just wasn’t my type.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
I caught myself whistling the Unsolved Mysteries theme while hiding a body.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
God: remember when I went to the bathroom and left you alone in my office?
Lion: yes.
God: did you uh do anything while I was gone?
Lion: no why?
[Mountain Lion, Sea Lion and Lionfish peek around the corner]
God: I guess I’ll delete them then.
Lion: ThEY aRe My cHiLdREn!
Five minutes before my break:
“Hi, I need some computer help. I need to sign into this website but to do that I need to get into my email and I don’t know any of the passwords and also I lost my phone but I assume that won’t be a problem.”
“Friday the 13th sent you, didn’t it?”
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Friend: What’s it like having a tween daughter?
Me: *pretends I didn’t hear her*
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Asked my toddler if she’d work on being more careful when eating in her car seat. Her response was an immediate “No.” At least she’s honest.
If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
Me: Would you remarry if I died?
Wife: Yes.
Me: What?!? Would you at least WAIT awhile?
Wife: Depends. Are you dead because I killed you?