How dramatic are you?
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becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
*Ordering Chinese Food
Vanilla Ice: I’ll have egg rolls and chicken fried rice rice baby
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
my body: please, eat something green
me: ugh, fine! *eats mint chip ice cream*
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
Me: *hyperventilating* 911? BEES! … EVERYWHERE! … SEND…HELP!
“Sir we don’t …”
Me: OMG! DON’T YOU HAVE A SWAT TEAM FOR THIS?
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Does racism still exist? Let’s go to this panel of white people to find out.
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
I like to diffuse situations with humor
And a machete
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!