How dramatic are you?
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Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
7-year-old: What’s for dessert?
Me: Eat your dinner first.
7: I need a goal.
A fitness trainer showed me the proper way to inhale and exhale and then got pissed when I told her she had nice breaths.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Sam: Welcome to Multiple Personality Club.
Sam: No one else is here.
Sam: You’re here.
Sam: I’M YOU, STUPID!
Sam: OK EVERYONE CALM DOWN!
The guy I cheat off moved seats before today’s spelling test, like he’s teaching me some kind of lessen.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Humans were not meant to have this many passwords
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
*steals all the clocks*
*has all the time in the world*
GERGE: hey can u spot me for lunch? Im a little short on cash
JERY: crypto?
GERGE: crypto
JERY: what happened i thought u bought the dip!
GERG: I did! but then it dipped again
JERY: it double dipped?
GERGE: I DOUBLE DIPPED THE CRYPT
I came.
I saw.
I lost a banana.
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Canadians leaving south for vacation are like Americans escaping marriage, desperately trying to escape frigid temperatures…
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Me: I can’t carry this heavy suitcase.
Him: I’ve seen you carry in a dozen bags of groceries at once.
Me: That’s different, that’s food.
By the logic that declares Die Hard a holiday film, I think we should classify Titanic as a Hallmark Christmas movie.
-female lead ditches rich jerky fiancé for humble poor boy
-lots of lights
-iconic pop culture theme music
-lots of ice
-female lead’s hair is very improbable