How dramatic are you?
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[during sex]
her: do you want to try a new position?
me: ok, ringo really carried the beatles
her: what
me: hufflepuffs are superior to gryffindors
her: stop
Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop
Son: Why
[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]
Me: He’s a racist
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
“How’s the diet going?”
I beep when I back up now.
Relationship status: The pizza is late and I’m worried
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My daughter asked me this morning
if this year for Halloween
instead of a mermaid
she could be a wet ghost.Um, a what now?!
This child was talking about a damn JELLYFISH
You catch more flies with honey, even more with a dead body and way more with honey on a dead body.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Me: Find a penny, pick it up and all day long you’ll have good luck!
Penny: Please put me down
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Me – Actually goes for a walk
FitBit – You OK?
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
I’ve had 3 men proclaim their love for me since the Coronavirus hit, so how’s your quarantine going?
I wish I knew how to fix America like everyone else on Twitter.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
They should do a mario kart but in real life, where fast cars race around a track and the person who finishes first is declared the winner.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
*sitting on a seesaw for 20 minutes*
…OK, there’s ONE downfall to being the last human alive.