How dramatic are you?
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Ever since we moved into our house, we’ve nicknamed the guy who lived here for 30 years before us The Engineer because everything is so precisely done.
Our neighbour just brought The Engineer over to meet us & Reuben looked like he was meeting the biggest rockstar on the planet.
If you use your stimulus check to buy baby chicks, then you got the money for nothing and the chicks for free.
Me: Wake up
5-year-old:
Me: We’re late
5:
Me: The house is on fire
5:
Me: Your sister touched your stuff
5: *barrel rolls out of bed*
I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
What I said: Please bring your laundry downstairs.
What my son heard: Please drop your laundry from the second floor down into the foyer as I stand at the front door talking to our neighbor so a dirty balled up sock can bounce off my head and into her face.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
GF says my bike helmet looks ridiculous, but I’d rather be “uncool” than fall and crack my head open in the middle of having sex.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Serendipity requires the hardest driving rain occurs during the walk from your car to the office door.
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
Boys get 1 polo shirt and wear it till the horse dies!!
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”