How dude HOW?!
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8 pm to 10 pm on a weeknight is the shortest that two hours can possibly be
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey
all the leaves are brown
and this guy is greg
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
me: well I grew up without a dad and I turned out okay
cw: don’t u collect human teeth??
me: yeah but they’re not my teeth
are u even at the cheesecake factory if there isn’t a group of unsupervised 15 year old girls there dressed like they’re going to the met gala
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Parenting’s First Law of Physics:
An object in motion ends up resting on the floor until there’s an argument over who should pick it up.
✌🏽
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”
WIFE: This chowder is beautifully creamy, the briney flavours complimented by the celery and onion, with the apple cider rum a perfect accompaniment.
CHEF: Thank you.
ME: *putting a cocktail sword in a mussel* Look Sharon. A clamurai
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
If you’re thinking what I’m thinking, here’s my therapist’s card.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
Coworker: Oh wow are you sick?
Me: No, Greg, I’m just ugly.
My dad was calling the cat bad so my mom said, “She’s not meant to be good. She’s meant to look beautiful.”
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”