“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
Ladies winter is coming and they are going to try to lure you in with hoodies and fireplaces. Don’t fall for it.
I mean I’m probably gonna but the rest of you should stay strong.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
I’m so hungry I could eat a hor—
*horse walks by snorting aggressively*
ticulturalist
*horticulturalist pops up trimming hedge aggressively*
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Nobody stretches the definition of “salad” like a Southerner at a summer barbecue
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
Fortune Cookie:
For healthy looking skin, don’t get eaten by a bear.
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Drank so much coffee I think I just lost hearing in my right eye.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
ME: So. You from around here?
HER: Yes. You’re in my bedroom closet.
Sorry I yelled “pull” when you released doves at your wedding.
That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!