“HOW” – dyslexic owl
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[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
INTERVIEWER: Tell me one of your weaknesses.
ME: I sometimes mistake professional behavior for flirting.
INTERVIEWER: There is zero chance we’d ever hire someone with that issue.
ME: Listen, I’m flattered, but I’m married.
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
I was wondering why I wasn’t picking up any chicks recently, but then I realized my Monster energy sticker fell off my car
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[first day]
Head Chef: Careful, the stove will burn you
Me: I’ll be fine
Stove: Your girlfriend left you for a better looking, funnier version of you
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
Tried arranging dinner out but AC changed eat to war so I arrived to find the whole family laying siege to this Taco Bell.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
My lawyer dropped his briefcase and nunchuks fell out
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Mother in law just said global warming with air quotes. It’s going to be a long night.
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Why, yes, that is a banana in my pocket!
*removes banana*
How did you know?
*begins to peel & eat banana*
I’m still glad to see you though.
lapland disappeared when finland got up from a chair
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
A warehouse is just a regular house that was bitten by a wolf under the full moon.
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
My password is Superman Hulk Thor Goku, that’s the strongest password I can think of.