How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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Digital security in Ancient Troy
COMEDY= a skeleton playin his ribs like a xylophone
TRAGEDY= skeleton cant hear music bc he got bones for ears
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
When we’re young we are told that we should trust our elders but my dad used to tell me that there’s a breed of fish that only swims backwards because they want to keep their eyes from getting wet so…
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Her: make this delicious snack in just five easy steps
Me, opening a chip bag in one easy step: no
A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’
Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here
Boss:Why is your voice gone? Are you ok?
Me:*thinks back to me belting out Ariana Grande’s “Dangerous Woman”*
I’m ok…allergies are bad.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
old people like to golf every day because they are so sick of everyone’s shit and just wanna repeatedly whack something
I love that Amazon hires data scientists to figure out that based on my excessive paper towel purchase history I likely have two kids and a cat
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
Paid $75 to take the family to the zoo so my toddler could ooh and ahh over a caterpillar in the parking lot.
“I hate fancy restaurants. I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
donald trump: ILL HAVE THE SUPER SALAD!
waiter: lol no I said soup OR s-
[assistant sliding $100] just bring him a huge bowl of lettuce
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?