How early do I need to start thawing the cat for Thanksgiving?
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Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Hair color is camouflage. When it turns white, nature’s saying, “this one’s done; go ahead and eat him.”
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
Roses are red
Let’s get some fresh air
Make love in the moonlight
Have a pregnancy scare
my first day as a raccoon
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
Am not being sponsored to say this but if anyone is looking for a way to make swallowing food easier, try using “Teeth”. I recently began using teeth while eating and it’s reduced the number of Heimlich manoeuvres I receive per month by over 94% 👍
I like to stop drinking somewhere between “watch this” and “ohhhhhh shit”.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Recipe comment: I didn’t use any of the spices and replaced chicken stock with some liquid I squeezed from an old pillow I found on the highway. 0 stars tastes like shit
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
Hate is too strong of a word, but to the guy who brought a cowbell to a 7am youth hockey game, I very much dislike you
Fig Newton sounds like the name or a British popstar from the 70s.
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
There’s way too much blood in my alcohol system today
Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
Me: Any news?
Doctor: I’m just waiting for your x-ray.
Me: But I’ve never dated anyone called Ray.
Doctor: And we might do a brain scan.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”