Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Everyone is at the store buying milk and bread to prepare for the snow. I’m buying frozen pizza. Enjoy your milk sandwiches, losers!

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?

I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.

whoever designed giraffes was extremely high

Obi-wan: *holding baby* Let’s make her a famous princess

Droid: What about the other baby?

Obi-wan:*shrugs* Dump him in a desert somewhere

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.

Remember kids, you miss 100% of the shots you don’t drink.

My husband pissed me off so I went shopping for the afternoon, with all of our remotes.

The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.

my nickname in college

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.

I asked my Ouija board if anyone has a secret crush on me. It must be broken, because I don’t even know anyone named “Lol.”

Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4

3 year old: Lion Gaurd!

5 year old: 5!

So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.

I just found out that my mechanic doesn’t drive.

When one door opens, another one opens, and then another, and another. Because kids.

I would date a communist girl but there are too many red flags

Wile E Coyote: I can’t get rid of this headache
*TNT explodes*
*anvil drops on his head*
*bus flattens him*
Dr: it’s probably stress-related

Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.

Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”

Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)

Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!

Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it

[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

I see dead people.

No wait, I take that back.

I see people I want dead.

I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.

[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”

ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies

A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.