Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

I had to pick up a maybe-sick kid from kindergarten today and he’s already made it very clear that he’s planning on “NOT getting better” in time for school tomorrow.

Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.

“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.

“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”

Call me crazy but “dropping the ball” does not sound like a good way to start off a new year.

He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.

*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.

I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.

*eats only grass-fed donuts

Jewish friend asked me a very funny legal question: “Can you break your Ramadan fast during the eclipse since technically it gets dark?” I had to hand it to him, I didn’t think of that 😂😎🌞🌆

My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person

A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.

I’m here all week😬

Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.

“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said

Winning an argument with a woman is like getting 1st prize in a “who wants to sleep on the couch” contest.

By the time my CVS receipt finished printing I was eligible for another prescription refill.

My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.

I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.

me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?

wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.

No, I would NEVER put you on mute

Stop blaming others for your mistakes.

Study feng shui and blame the furniture

Finally got the mustache thick enough where other mustache guys are giving me the mustache-comradery nod. Absolutely crushed it at Home Depot today. Neck sore from nodding.

The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.

The Welsh language was invented by a dad losing at Scrabble.

Me: *taking an art appreciation class*

Instructor: Please bring my students back

Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime

My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

When I meet someone new I shake their hand really fast and whisper “yes, please don’t stop” because people need to learn not to talk to me.