Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?

Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha

Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now

escape room employee: would you like a hint?

me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen

I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.

Why’s it called recanting your testimony and not deleting your account?

My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”

[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job

I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn

The worst part about crapping my pants at work was having to set the ACCIDENT FREE sign back to zero days in front of everybody.

My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”

(Jupiter –

“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.

Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:

🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality

As your goth husband I will adorn you with cursed artifacts then die mysteriously leaving you to be the most feared widow in the village.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

I don’t know what my spirit animal is, but I’m pretty sure it has a cone around its neck.

I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.

I have a photographic memory, but I’ve run out of film

If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.

The NFL has hired their first female referee.

She will throw flags for penalties the teams
committed 5 years ago.

One day my kids will move out and discover the dishes don’t clean themselves and I feel for them. I really do.

[God & his assistant making giraffes]

ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?

*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*

[produce section, grocery store]

Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?

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The Chosen Phew

fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes

me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.