How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
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Parent drinking game: Anytime a kid drops something and doesn’t pick it up you dri…
aaaaand I’m drunk.
Oh no, a login from a new device? And that device is my phone? My one and only phone that I and I alone use to log in several times every single day? And the geographical location is my *house*, you say? Thank you so much for warning me I will contact interpol
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
My wife’s left me for being too clingy & needy.😢
No wait, she’s back. She hadn’t left me, she was just making a cup of tea.God I missed her.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
BRIDE TO BE: Did you pick up the centrepiece like I asked?
GROOM: YES. I’M NOT AN IDIOT
*kicks box of centipedes under sofa*
The USS B port
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
mumsnet is amazing
I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
5: I’ve only got one shoe
Me: you need to find the other one
5: I found it!
Me: that was quick, where was it
5: on my foot!
Me: that’s the one you already had on
5: oh
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
I like to make a guy feel welcome in the morning by surrounding him with stuffed animals while he sleeps.
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
Coughing so much that next doors dog has started barking back at me. Best conversation all day
Just saw The Martian. If Matt Damon was alone on Mars, who was filming him that whole time? Clearly fake
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
God: *brings ribs to the wedding feast*
Adam: That’s not funny.
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
The secret to fluffy pancakes is gently folding the souls of people who annoy you into the batter.
Office printers are like predators that can smell stress.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler