Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.

Email: Would you like to have some fun?

Me: No thanks.
*deletes without opening*

My octopus can beat up your octopus.

*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*

“Lets do this.”

Me: Sound the drums of war!!

My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*

*we enter the buffet*

inventor of murder: I’m going to make a killing

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

I’m always Beware #MakesMeCautious

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

Just cleaned* the fridge and pantry like the hero my family deserves.

*ate all the cheese and cookies

I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.

Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.

oh she’s cooked

Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days

Vacationing while single: Mai Tais on the beach.

Vacationing with family: Shaves 3 years off your life while going bankrupt.

I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.

my six year old just made this bumper sticker for me

*first date*

Her: I have tattoos but I won’t say where, maybe you’ll need to investigate and find out? 😉

Me: Ah gotcha, I love investigating. *calls her mum*

[being stared at by a bunch of guys as I bathe in an airport washroom] can someone get my back please?

Nice echo chamber you got there. Be a shame if someone were to….DISAGREE WITH YOU.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.

If it hurts you more than it hurts them then you are holding the taser wrong

Being an aunt is easier than being a mom. All fun. No disciplining. And I get to hand the kids back.

There’s so much going on 😂😂😂

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.

Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.

I played Dodgeball…

I got Bullied….

I ate Gluten…

I didn’t get Participation Trophies…

I turned out fine…

So will your kid…

Tried new pain medication, and an hour later 3 penguins in military fatigues walked into the room and told me I need to kill Mussolini’s cat

Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.