How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
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“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Not all heroes wear capes…
If you wish me a happy thanksgiving don’t be surprised if I whip out a ziplock bag and ask you to bring me home some leftovers.
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
Risking my life for fun.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
GANG LEADER: do these drugs to prove you’re not a cop
ME: how would that prove i’m not a cop?
GANG LEADER: cause cops hate drugs
ME: nonsense. i’m a cop and i love them ah crap
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
Teacher: You’re a grown adult, why can’t you help your child with their math homework?!
Me: Sorry, I’ll try 105% harder
Teacher: You know what, please don’t!
Me: Man T-Rexes looked so cool
Scientist: Nah actually they looked like giant idiot birds
Me: Oh bummer. They were great hunters tho
Scientist: There’s evidence they were scavengers
Me: Ok maybe just stop ruinin-
Scientist: They wore socks with sandals
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
Wolverines are just smaller, easier to peel wolves.
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
I told my tween son to spend 10 minutes cleaning his room. He then attempted to convince me for the next 20 minutes he was too busy to clean his room.
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
I don’t drive a flashy car, but the cop behind me does.
ALIEN: Take me to your leader
ME: [eating pizza with a fork] Bold of you to assume that I’m not the leader
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther