How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
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Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Me: If we have a second date I’ll give you flowers
Her: Orchids?
Me: It’s a bit early for children, Sharon
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.
BRO LMFAO
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Question: You know how cocky you need to be to put a billboard up for an establishment that is nearly 600 miles away in the opposite direction?
Answer: You need to be Buc-ees-level cocky.
⛽️ 🦫
If my memory gets any worse I’ll be able to plan my own surprise party
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
some Old Testament wisdom
HER: {brings me to bedroom} And this is where the magic happens.
ME: Show me {moves closer}
HER: What do you want me to do to you baby? {moves closer}
ME: {so close that our lips are almost touching} Saw me in half.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
taking June’s advice to heart
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
ME: can i open a joint account
BANKER: ok with who
ME: anyone rich
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
6yo: ONCE I HAVE CHEST HAIR I’LL BE A MAN & THEN LADIES CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO ANYMORE
Husband: *dies laughing*
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Just overheard my 87-year-old Dad speaking to my pooch:
“You’re seven years old? You look REALLY good for seven!”