Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One time I stepped on a sea urchin and I forgot all about the migraine I was having, so yeah, I’d say acupuncture is pretty effective.

To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.

[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”

*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*

EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like

[in Starbucks]

“It’s Ian with one i”.

“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”

oh shit

I hope the cost of living goes down. I’m not built for OnlyFans.

When Hugh Hefner dies no one will say he’s in a better place now.

For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.

Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly

fellas, if your girl:

•has got it going on
•she’s all you want
•you’ve waited for so long

she’s not your girl, she’s stacey’s mom

Spotted in the wild

Australia just passed the “Right to Disconnect” law which allows workers to ignore their bosses outside working hours so looks like I’m moving to Sydney.

Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019

cashier: how’d you like to pay for this

me: not at all

me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?

wife: you deserve this

me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?

wife: we’ll find out

god: i need you to get me some teeth

fairy: what

god: from children

fairy: WHAT

god: ok fine pay them

Retweet to save a life.

#NationalGirlfriendDay

“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”

Good news: My son cleaned his room

Bad news: He found his harmonica

I’ve been looking for F35 on my keyboard for over an hour, I give up.

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer

If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?

Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*

Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?

Date: no I meant

Me: but the left lung only has two!

Date: not like th— wait, really?

I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.