Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball

Handed a date my phone so he could pick a place for takeout and Postmates showed him a huge popup that said I ordered soup dumplings 3 days straight then basically said I was the #1 dumpling orderer in the city and asked if I wanted to send a personal message to the restaurant

“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”

-guy who discovered milk

Neighbors act like they’ve never seen someone wearing a bath towel, chasing after a Garbage Truck before.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.

My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.

There’s two people you never, ever, ever talk to: cops and comics.

Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.

Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs

Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.

ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?

therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad

me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one

I was bitten by a radioactive spider too and all I got was stomped on

👀

Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier

Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.

I’m so uncomfortable with confrontation, a waiter could bring me a bowl of cold black olives instead of my meal and I would quietly eat them and tip 30%.

Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face

ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!

MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.

You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.

In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.

WIFE: You forgot my birthday again didn’t you?

ME: [putting wrapping paper round the cat] Goddammit, I told you not to turn round yet Janet

“SOME OF US ARE TRYING TO SLEEP” I yell at the neighbor I can hear vacuuming at 1pm in the afternoon.

*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*

~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.

One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy

20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles

Me: hey!

20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old

despite popular opinion dating apps are NOT for dating. they are for finding people to watch your instagram story for years and years