*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
“How fast can you hack into the system!?” “20-25 minutes.” “You’ve got 10 minutes!” “Okay, well then I can’t.” – real life spy dialogues
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Common sense: Walk away.
medusa haircare starter kit
lifeguard: can you describe the thing that touched you?
me: yea…it was like a wet wind chime made out of wieners
lifeguard: a squid?
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Couldn’t find regular eggs so i just bought 3 dozen Cadbury caramel eggs because where there’s a will there’s a way
met a woman in a bathroom line last night who told me she was a writer and I said I was one too and she was like “oh we’re that Spiderman meme” and then we both immediately, instinctively pointed fingers at each other and I’m still thinking about it
Zuckerberg *causally slurping down extension cords like noodles*: Hello fellow human being
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. “Attempt 7 of 25”.