I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
You Might Also Like
Tragically, I misread her profile. Apparently her favorite position is “reserved cowgirl.”
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
Me: Shall I buy flowers for the housewarming?
Wife: Orchids?
Me: Where am I supposed to buy children?
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
i want that job where u push scared skydivers out of the plane
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
A cup of water A cup of water
when it’s in when it spills
a cup on the table
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
It’s not called “Laura the Explorer” because if a little white girl gets lost in the woods, CNN shows up with the FBI.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
im all 3
[first day as a Twitter designer]
Never mind an edit button. What people really want are round avis.
Times when calories don’t count:
1. Finishing the rest of your kid’s dinner
2. Taking Mom/Dad tax when you give your kid a snack
3. Spoons of Mac N Cheese straight from the pot
4. Any stress eating related to something your kid did
“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”
Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter
“You gotta be kidding me”
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
*Brings an ukulele to a gun fight.
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?