How fast is milk?
It’s pasteurised your eyes before you know it….
You Might Also Like
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Skills
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
[angrily taking off banana suit] “Why didn’t you tell me we were going to a funeral”
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
[Talking Heads GPS]
YOU MAY FIND YOURSELF HEADING NORTH ON MAIN STREET. AND YOU MAY ASK YOURSELF HOW DID I GET HERE. AND YOU MAY TELL YOURSELF I NEED TO MAKE A U-TURN.
Sleeping Beauty is my favorite Disney movie where the curse sounds amazing.
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
If you fall asleep after midnight, it’s already the next day- so you really shouldn’t have to go to work until the day after. What I’m trying to say is: I got fired today.
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Flight attendant: Is there a Dr. on this flight?
Dad: that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Maybe you can flippy Mctwisty him back to health
Me: Dad, there’s an emergency
Dad: use your “always special” cheat code
Me: But we’re in first class and I paid for our flight
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
Hey, girl at the gym that keeps moving to the opposite corner every time I get on the machine next to you, yes, I feel the chemistry too.
Me: Ugh! I never know what to say in these situations…
Friend: You say ‘good morning’ back
The seven new planets cause havoc with your readings. There is nothing but chaos and pain and, for some reason, hot singles in your area.