Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A poltergeist was moving furniture around the house, and I really love what he’s done with the place.

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Me: “Bond.”
*lowers sunglasses*
“James Bond.”

Cashier: “You’ve been doing that for 35 minutes. Are you going to buy the sunglasses or not?”

On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.

back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts

[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it

Next week my wife and I are going to Chicago to celebrate our anniversary. If you are around, want to meet and catch up, please let me know so I can avoid you.

My wife and I will be sleeping.

Review of the Solar System

⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]

*scroll*

*scroll*

*scroll*

All Tolkien’s tweets would be numbered and his shortest thread would be 65345 tweets

In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

How do I know you’re not a cop?
“If I was a cop, how would I have this?”
*shows police badge that just says ‘Not a Cop’ on it*
Oh, okay good

*me dressed as the grim reaper*

What d’ye mean I’m not your type?

This package of bacon says it’s “naturally hardwood smoked” as if they just happened across a bunch of pigs next to a forest fire.

i will not close my account until the sport of golf is rightfully named “golfball” like the other ball sports

[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?

I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.

colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe

also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund

It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises

Alcohol because no great conversation ever started over a salad !

I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”

Husband: You need to check the pizza or it’s going to burn.

Me: I think I know how to make pizza. *burns pizza*

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.

I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.

All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.