Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.

I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.

[Putting petrol in car]
１９.９５
１９.９６
１９.９７
[stops]
[gently now]

１９.９８

[very gently]

１９.９９

[ok, once more]
[deep breath]

３７.８３

GODDAMMIT

Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.

No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.

The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.

You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?

The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.

Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.

There is a hawk following me on my run so now I’m insecure about what I look like and what I smell like

I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence

What about second breakfast?

my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min

doctor it hurts when i do this *checks bank account*

my date is in 2 hours, which means I have very little time to fix my glasses and fix my bangs and get a career and lose 50 pounds

The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.

Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”

My 3yo told me he was going to clean up the mess by punching it and I was like, “Dude, I’ve tried and it doesn’t work.”

WIFE: Please stop.

ME: Stop what?

WIFE: Singing in the shower.

ME: What’s the big deal?

WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.

Beef and broccoli with calrose rice is on the menu tonight. If you’re coming over, bring condoms. (Just checking to see if you actually read this shit or just blindly RT)

PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.

KID: Okay.

PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.

Me: [getting ready for work]

Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.

Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.

At my age I don’t sleep, I nap between pee breaks.

Sweet potatoes are just regular potatoes that remember birthdays and anniversaries.

Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie

Hate it when all of Asia tells me that I exaggerate things.

If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.

The few days after Halloween are the best. Everything’s on sale. I’ve already eaten 11 costumes