Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.

Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too

Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO

Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.

I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.

Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.

You can’t go by good looks as not everything is as it seems. Remember The Trojan Horse, Snow White’s apple and your ex.

FRIEND: Just let her down easy
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: *jumping in bouncy castle* I WANT A DIVORCE, KAREN

I regret teaching my boyfriend about make up. I made a snarky comment to him and he goes “first of all, blend your contour before you come for me like that”

Nurse: *places newborn in my arms*

Me: *has misplaced my coffee cup every morning for the last 9 yrs* I can do this.

Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.

Me: ok

*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*

When my son was in grade school the teacher asked the class what they should do if they think there is a fire and he shouted GO TURN THE STOVE OFF DINNER IS READY

To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”

I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.

So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.

But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.

I call bullshit.

I represented criminals before I switched to divorce law. Not one accused murderer or drug dealer ever scared me more than the soccer mom who just found out her husband is cheating on her with the PTA Vice President.

Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.

I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.

*gets abducted by aliens*

*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*

*gets returned by aliens*

My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”

My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”

Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.

[Job Interview]

Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?

Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*

Card: “My over-preparedness.”

First rule of flight club…no penguins.

“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”

– Hannibal Labradoodle

me: am I awake or dreaming

a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

[first day in hell]

hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat

waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir

me: wow this isn’t so bad

group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-

Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.