Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.

me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake

spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry

The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.

When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.

~ Scotchgard

Go bears!

(I’m not watching football I just hate salmon)

[GOD CREATING BEES]

G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry

I drink Rockstar cause I’m a rockstar. My wife drinks Monster.

I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.

[zombie wedding]

Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*

Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

Kids will talk literally all day and then go mute when you try to introduce them to someone.

Me: Why are you in my bed?

8: It’s definitely not because there are crumbs in mine.

Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

Me: yes that number is zero

The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.

Met someone on a dating app and my message autocorrected nice to meet you with nice to wet you so that was an immediate match for him.

I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.

I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack

If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone

We have a leprosy outbreak in central Florida and the experts are telling people not to eat armadillos. Just in case you were wondering how it’s going down here…

* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!

Why let people drive you crazy when you know it’s in walking distance?

Making sure to loudly declare my love for microwaved fish on Zoom calls so I’m never invited back into the office

Prank Idea For The Ladies:
Swallow a plastic dinosaur, then make an appointment to get an ultrasound.

*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER

[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGE

BARISTA: [shrugs]

ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI

B: *grande screaming noises*

I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.

my gf opening a package: i need something sharp

me: okay 🙂

her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u

me: okay 🙁

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.

First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.

They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.

They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.

Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.

My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.