How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
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People who clap when the plane lands don’t aim particularly high do they?
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
The highest paid minds in campaign fundraising are hard at work figuring out how to send me more mail that I hate
When your band gets bumped off the set list by an acapella group you’ve been a choired
My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Well well well…
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
ME: my bald eagle is very sick, I think he needs to be put down
VET: that’s illegal
ME: yes I said that
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
Cows are looking at us hoarding toilet paper and thinking that we must all have Mad Human Disease.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
couldn’t resist
When I was having an affair with twins, people used to ask how I told them apart. Well, Sue had brown eyes and Steve had a moustache.
I said we supposed to be saving our money.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life