Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”

Me: I think you’re sweet…

Her: …Awwww…

Me: …and will eventually kill me.

absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.

If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.

Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.

Next time you’re on a date and someone asks “Is that your boyfriend or your brother?” smile really creepy and whisper “Both”.

Job interview…

H- “So how would you describe yourself?”

Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..

Guy: I want a divorce.
Me: And who are you?
Guy: I’m your husband! We live together for 6 years!
Me: Hmm.. No way! Are you sure?

wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD

You think you’re your own worst critic? Just wait till you have kids

friend: our baby was a surprise

me: *aware that pregnancy lasts for nine months* … how

interviewer: what are your strengths?

me: I know where you live

My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.

Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….

Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.

Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.

cop: do you know why your neighbors called us

me: *into megaphone* NO

Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?

me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water

so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.

Wife: Did you hear what I said?

Me: No, I was in a different room.

Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?

Me: …

Omg, do you mind? I’m busy. This dinner isn’t going to peel back plastic, stir and add 3 minutes to itself.

dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*

aaaaaaand scene

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere

My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.

“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have

As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.

I looked out the window to enjoy the beautiful view of our mountains. I then looked over to the left toward the end of our driveway and I see my 10 yo and 8 yo. They were twerking whenever cars came by.

We have to move now.

Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural

*later on date*

Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo