*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
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I’m pretty sure I could “watch this” for 24 hours straight without blinking and my 7yo still wouldn’t be satisfied.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
Okay, raise your hand if you put raisins in your oatmeal cookies.
Great. Now, make a fist with that hand & punch yourself in the face.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
*tries to lasso the remote control with my Fitbit tied to a shoestring*
my dad hates when i spend money on take out and loves to complain while he’s eating the onion rings i just paid for
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Today I’m going to give it my almost
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
I set my GPS voice to Mom, and now when I miss a turn, it says “Your sister wouldn’t have missed that.”
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
My girlfriend left me for a hindu guy.
Anyway, he’ll treat her better – they worship cows.
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
I told you to pick up a slow cooker… All I see when I look in the kitchen is a turtle wearing a chefs hat
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
Now that I’m in charge of Santa’s milk and cookies, it’s payback time for that Barbie townhouse I never got.