*how fights start*
me (doing crossword): what’s a 7 letter word for evident
him: it’s obvious
me: if it was that obvious, I wouldn’t be asking would I
You Might Also Like
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Canada’s Wonderland was evacuated Sunday night after a fire broke out in the water park. Whoever’s responsible is in some hot water.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
Listen, if a woolly mammoth can be “perfectly preserved” for millennia, I’m sure this five year old meat in the back of the freezer is just fine.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Qualifications for local sewer clown are pretty simple: dress the part, fit in a storm drain and be willing to work for screams.
holy infant so tender and mild implies the existence of a cursed infant so chewy and spicy
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
I’ve slept with my hands covering my neck to ward off vampires since I was a child and you know what? It works.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”
Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no