How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
friend: what are your plans for The Purge?
[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]
me: do a murder
“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
In retrospect, replying “Happy as a serial killer in a skin suit factory”, probably wasn’t the best way to respond to my therapist.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
Are “authorities” ever not ” baffled?”
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Stonehinge
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Are you Eminem?
Let’s find out…
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
You know it’s getting bad when the cat has had enough
pretending to have read books in a conversation: setting yourself up for embarrassment, corny, ontologically evil?
saying “oh yeah never read it but i’ve heard really good things”: yo who is this mysterious woman who hears things? her informational ecosystem seems lowkey robust?
Everyone is a surgeon when you wash your hands and have to walk across the room for the towel.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
People named Rolf be rolling on the laughing floor