How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
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Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
[First Date]
Waiter: Hi, would u like to start off with an appetizer?
Me: I’m gonna wait until my date arrives
W: Sir, it’s been 3 hours
Car Salesman: We’ll give you $3,500 on the trade in…
Me: $3,800
Salesman: …but I’m going by Blue Book…
Me: Yeah but there’s at least $300 dollars in change trapped between the seats.
Salesman:
Me *has read one book all year*
Me *going on a trip for a week* better download 15 books
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want
her: i’ll have the lobster
waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
He caught me making googly eyes at my phone. I could’ve avoided a fight by showing him it was just puppy gifs but I was bored.
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
i was carrying a 15′ handrail through menards when i jokingly challenged a lady to a jousting match. later, when i thought i saw her again in the parking lot, i said ‘are you ready to joust!” but it wasn’t the same lady.
Letting my cat know in a positive way that he’s looking very round today.
The hardest part of life in the 1990s was having to scream “Hey, Macarena!” every forty seconds for the entire decade.
*peeing*
I should get outta bed now, I guess.
I don’t always trust old people’s stories of the past. Recently an older gentlemen told me that he grew up as one of seven children. And it’s like…come on dude. Even back then there were more kids than that.
Marriage,
Or as I like to call it;
The wonder yearsWonder why she is mad this time
Wonder why my stuff is on the lawn
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
You’ve seen nothing until you’ve seen a picture of a pigeon having a job interview to become a pigeon:
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records