How funny!
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As a 14 yr old in the 80s updates about emergency school closures were phoned in to the local radio stations. There was no verification on your identity and the notice was read out in good faith. So staff & pupils can thank me for the extra snow day off in 1980. You’re welcome.
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
vegetarian: i’m a vegetarian
every mother-in-law: so do you eat fish
he’s sick of your bullshit today
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
me: so how do you guys get around?
dumbledore: lots of ways. you can take the secret train
me: makes sense
dumbledore: fly a broomstick
me: fun
dumbledore: touch a boot and be sucked spinning through some kind of magic hellscape void
me: huh
dumbledore: bus
Gramps’ head was chopped off by a helicopter blade and same with his dad and his dad before him. So no Rod, you can’t go to helicopter camp.
in addition to Lady Doritos, Doritos plans to make Alpha Male Doritos, which will be just shards of broken glass
My 1-year-old has been beeping at me all morning.
I thought there was something wrong with her.
Turns out she’s being R2-D2.
The key to house hunting is knowing that the house is more afraid of you than you are of it.
Forgetting how to clean the dishes and shooting them with a gun
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.